The Seattle Kite

If you are a music fan who had eighty spare dollars and a ride across the state last week, you, like me, were at Sasquatch Festival. I went Saturday and avoided the massive windstorm of Sunday. The gods were clearly punishing those who rocked too much, so I’m glad I rocked just enough.

As I drunkenly lolled on my blanket in the grass, I thought, “I sure am glad I’m not reviewing this concert, paying extra attention and running around to various stages.” But then the Kite editors, slave drivers as they are, demanded a review. So, here it is. Five days late and unapologetically lacking:

Ozomatli: Played at my college. They were listenable but unexciting then, and that was in a tiny space. On the big stage they couldn’t compete with my eight airplane-size bottles of Jack Daniels, snuck in the bottom of my bag.

Neko Case: I’d like to see Neko in a smaller venue, like, say, my living room. But that’s mostly just because she seems cool to hang out with. Her music does have an intimate quality to it, but even competing with the gorgeous scenery and plentiful screaming jackasses in a myriad of ridiculous adornments, her brand of big-voiced alt-country was affecting. I looked out at the Columbia River and felt like a country girl. Or maybe it was the bourbon. Who cares?

Manu Chao: The high-energy ska-reggae-flamenco group tried to instigate a revolution. But unfortunately most of it was in Spanish, so I wasn’t entirely sure what I was supposed to revolt against. I think terrorists and probably Bush. They kept playing this really loud police siren and I kept thinking the fuzz was coming to confiscate my bourbon. They were energetic enough to keep me from taking a nap, and I mean that in a good way. Except at the end when I was ready to sleep the lead singer kept enforcing his own encores.

Arcade Fire: A pipe organ, an orgasmic violinist, a guy who threw his drum in the air repeatedly. They pretty much totally rocked and inspired a drunk, seated dance off.

Bjork: Came on almost an hour late, which I blame on the Manu Chao guy’s excessive self-initiated encores. My crew was drunk and tired and made me leave after five songs. They might have been the best five songs of my life, though. The Icelandic elf was wearing a dope poncho as she wailed like a banshee over a chorus of back-up singers and instrumentalists arranged in choir formation on rafters.

Sarah Silverman: Was supposed to host. She came out three times and said a total of 15 words. Three of them were poop.

Jillian Jenkins is also our dating columnist. Next week’s "Meet Market" will also be set at Sasquatch, answering an age-old quandary: “If you’re drunk with 20,000 other people, how hard is it to get laid?”

It doesn't cost you a dime to read the Seattle Kite. And it is just as easy for you to look at the Kite as it is the homepage of any major corporation. The Seattle Kite is equally as accessible as ABC, NBC, AOL, NASDAQ, or any other acronymic monster.

Why? Because many years ago the internet was birthed from a profoundly democratic idea: that all web sites are created equal. There are no toll booths, no gatekeepers, and no beachfront property. Remember - it didn't have to be that way. It was a conscious choice made by visionaries.

This week America is facing a once-in-a-generation opportunity to expand that idea to internet access and it is up to you to make a difference.

You may not know this, but on February 17th, 2009, you won't get television through antennas anymore. All TV in America is going digital, and your pre-cable rabbit ears will be worthless.

Which means that the analog broadcast spectrum will be going unused. Channels 2 through 23 or whatever will have nothing on them. Now, just as there are only so many FM stations that you can cram into the space between 88.0 and 108.0 Megahertz, there is a limited amount of analog spectrum. And it is the best of the best.

This spectrum can travel through walls, mountains, and basements. It's easy to use and comes in clear and beautiful (which is why it's been in use for so long). It is the finest real estate in all of electromagnetism. And it doesn't necessarily have to be used for television.

Although the Wi-Fi you pirate from your neighbor's apartment may suggest otherwise, America is 16th in the world in high-speed internet access. 16th! That's pretty sorry by any measure, but for the world's largest economy it's downright pathetic. Not only is the internet a bottomless well of useful and democratizing information, it's rapidly becoming the lifeblood of every business in every industry. A truly national wireless saturation on the analog broadcast spectrum would be a visionary investment in our future.

Long story short, the FCC is about to auction this spectrum off in an actual real-life auction. AT&T, Verizon, etc. want to anonymously buy it all so that they can be the gatekeepers to the internet. Every citizen who understands that computers exist wants the opposite, whether they realize it or not.

So sign this petition right here. It states that what is now UHF TV should be transformed into vast plains of American wireless. Do it for the future. Do it for your passion to learn.

2) If you dropped a penny from the observation deck of the Space Needle, how long would it take to land?

We couldn’t really decide on one, so there’s no wrong answer here. However, we enjoy Black Cherry, Strawberry Cheesecake, Rum Raisin, Kona Mocha, and Double Chocolate Face Kick.

5) You know those pieces of glass embedded in the sidewalks in and around Pioneer Square? The purple ones? Why are they there and why are they purple?

c) They were intended as sky lights back when the Seattle underground was being used.

d) Our staff chemist tells us it has something to do with sunlight and the chemical make-up of the glass.

6) If the Seattle Kite staff were forced into a cage-match to the death, who would win?

“Slap” Jackson would, according to the Seattle Kite’s death match simulator. The program also told us that “Slap” would crunch all of our Adams apples between his maniac teeth and make a necklace out of our noses. It actually said “maniac.” Isn’t that fucked up?

8) There is a playground at the south end of the Arboretum, right next to the Japanese Garden. How many swings are there at this playground?

            There once was a young man from Seattle,
      Who spent many a day in the saddle.
                  It rained and poured

Bryan has won two free passes up the Space Needle, courtesy of the Seattle Kite. Thanks to everyone for playing and way to go, Bryan!

Today's holiday commemorates U.S. men and women who have died in military service to their country. A sobering day for some, others are just happy they don't have to go to work, while still others are recovering from some serious mind-fucks dished out this weekend in George, Washington. Well, today the Kite is going to take a day off, count up all the entries for our Space Needle Contest, and pour a forty out for fallen American soldiers. Actually, it'll have to be many, many forties...

As of this past Friday, just over 3,440 American soldiers have died in Iraq during our four-year occupation. That's more than 1,075 gallons of Miller High Life to drop on the concrete today. But the situation's more dire for Iraqis, who invented beer in the 4th century B.C. (nope, not a joke). Today more than 20,300 gallons of the "champagne of beers" would be required to remember the 65,000 (low-estimation) Iraqi civilians now dead.

The douchebag son of Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels has been accused by federal prosecutors of stealing from Native Americans.

Prosecutors allege that Jacob Dyson Nickels, while working as a pit boss at a tribal casino in Whatcom County, assisted two co-defendants in winning about $90,000 in games of mini baccarat (which, surprisingly, is not the lead-in to a joke about The Seattle Kite's 12-inch pianist).

Nickels, 25, faces charges of one count of conspiracy, four counts of theft of funds from a gaming establishment on Indian lands, and one count of frosting his hair. He allegedly accepted a $5,000 bribe to introduce one of his coconspirators to a pair of crooked dealers, which, quite honestly, is how we thought gambling worked.

A total of 24 defendants have been named in the conspiracy case, which spans 18 casinos in Washington, California and Indiana. Ten of the victimized casinos were owned by tribes.

In responding to the charges against his son, Mayor Nickels was seen to massage his temples and exhale audibly, then mutter something about taking away his son's car keys.

Jacob Nickels and co-defendants will be arraigned in federal court June 1 and June 7.

Redmond teen Caitlin Snaring, 14, has brought the National Geography Bee title back to where it rightfully belongs, the Pacific Northwest, that ill-begotten step child of the lower 48. (If you don’t know what that means, ask Caitlin Snaring. She’ll put your ass in a leg-lock so fast that not even citing the major differences between the Suez and Panama Canals will save you.) Caitlin is actually the fifth title holder from Washington since the competition began in 1989. Take that, not-Washington!

Math Bee competitors would tell you that’s a success rate of 26.3% for Washingtonians, giving us the mental edge in every geographically related discussion, as evidenced by Pacific Northwesterners haughty self-righteousness when it comes to any and all geopolitical issues. (One side of such a discussion might go something like this, especially if that side lives on Queen Anne: I know where Darfur is, do you? It’s just terrible what’s going on there. George Bush should do something. Why yes, I do have a high paying job at Microsoft, Boeing, Starbucks, or Amazon. No, I’m taking my family to New Caledonia for Spring Break. Oh, you don’t know where that is? It’s near Vanuatu, like from “Survivor.” You know “Survivor,” right? Of course you do. You’re a simple person.)

Snaring, as you may have guessed, is home schooled, and as near as anybody can tell is in the 8^th grade. She walked away from the tournament with both a $25,000 scholarship and a lifetime membership to the National Geographic Society. In addition to diligently memorizing various land features and geo-linguistic disparities, Caitlin takes pottery classes and plays the piano. She aspires to be either a collegiate history professor or a diplomat. (If you don’t tell her that your life never quite turns out how you want it to, I won’t either. Oh, to be a home schooled 8^th grader again. Sweet, sweet naivety.)

If you’re bored, click here to take a sample Geography Bee quiz. It’ll be good for your mind as well as your overbearing sense of superiority. Somewhere, and at some time, they’ve got to share a little common ground.

Now Will You Buy Clay Bennett a New Arena?

Wednesday May 23, 2007 by Jimmy Sparerib, Contributor

Above you will find a highlight reel featuring Kevin Durant, University of Texas freshman and National College Player of the Year. Durant will soon be dunking from the free-throw line and draining 3-pointers whilst emblazoned in Sonics green and gold, thanks to the deus ex machina of NBA commissioner David Stern. Der Kommisar, who gift-wrapped Patrick Ewing for the Knicks in the 1985 lottery, has shrewdly delivered the two best college players in decades to the Pacific Northwest.

The story of this draft has been Durant, the sensational small forward out of Texas who averaged 25.8 and 11.1 rebounds per game, and Greg Oden, the towering center out of Ohio State (it is impossible to believe that these players will slide outside of the top two picks in the draft, with Oden -- a 7-footer -- the consensus No. 1 pick). Not only did Stern arrange to pair Durant with the foundering Sonics, but he loaded the lottery to team Oden with the Trail Blazers. With Portland having just a 5.3 percent chance of securing the top pick and Seattle just a 9.85 percent chance of winning the second pick, it is likely no accident that Oden and Durant will land within 180 miles of each other along the scenic I-5 corridor.

Stern wants the Sonics in Seattle, where the future clashes between Durant and Oden (who have already endured comparisons to each other since the 2006-07 men's basketball season) might become one of basketball's greatest rivalries.

To make it happen, all we need to do is make good on our end of the bargain and pony up $300 million for an Oklahoma billionaire. Do I hear "bake sale"?

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This weekend the Space Needle awarded its 45 millionth visitor with a five day trip to Paris, culminating in a climb up the Eiffel Tower, the world’s most prominent metal phallus. The winner was none other than San Franciscan Greg Novoa, who was greeted by the Mariner Moose and a rain of multi-colored balloons. The contest will hopefully revitalize interest in Seattle’s decaying attraction, since the Eiffel Tower is the much more popular and respected of the two sister landmarks. While we may knock it, the Seattle Kite dreams of one day flying our moniker from the tip of the Needle itself, blotting out the sun and casting a portentous shadow over the city below. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

That said, the Seattle Kite is holding its first ever contest! The prize: two free passes to the top the Space Needle, personally bestowed to you by myself and “Slap” Jackson. That’s right. Just send your answers to the quiz below to theseattlekite@gmail.com to enter. The person with the highest score will win. In the event of a tie, the winners’ names will be tossed into “Slap’s” favorite fedora and picked at random. You have until Memorial Day to enter. Good luck!

2) If you dropped a penny from the observation deck of the Space Needle, how long would it take to land?

5) You know those pieces of glass embedded in the sidewalks in and around Pioneer Square? The purple ones? Why are they there and why are they purple? (This is a four part question: an example answer might be, “yes, yes, I don’t know, because Seattleites love the color purple.")

6) If the Seattle Kite staff were forced into a cage-match to the death, who would win?

8) There is a playground at the south end of the Arboretum, right next to the Japanese Garden. How many swings are there at this playground?

The weekend is finally here and you're eager to go home and unwind from a busy week made palatable by the ludicrously beautiful weather, albeit untouchable through standard workplace walls. You are disappointed when you look at the dreary forecast for this weekend, but excited that, finally having reached the end of your stash, some new Humboldt strain called Frosty Spider is headed over at 7 to eat your pay check. But don't just get stuck on your couch this weekend, go outside and play! Here's the Seattle Kite's recommendation for a well-balanced, inexpensive, day of fun for the average human being.

Don't sleep in, you've got a full day ahead of you. Rise, shine, and immediately head over to the Seattle Cheese Festival at Pike Place Market. You wouldn't pass up the chance to sample over 250 different local and international cheeses, FOR FREE, would you? Absolutely not. And, starting at noon, you can get lost in their wine garden singing songs in French about the gorgeous gruyere that just stole your heart. The Kite will assuredly be there with bells on (so you can locate us more easily for autographs and pictures).

Abandon your car (if you haven't already) then jump on the 72 Lake City Express and head over to University District's 38th annual StreetFair, Seattle's summertime kickoff event. Join 50,000 other Seattleites as you mindlessly wander amongst street performers and 400 booths of arts and crafts and... more food. There will also be live music at one of two stages. The event is free, the food and crafts are not.

After the buskers and boothers have wrapped up their wares, jump on the 48 or 43 and zip over to 19th Ave on Capitol Hill for a ridiculous mojito at Kingfish Cafe. Or go swinging on the swing-set down the street at Pendleton Miller Playfield. Whatever you do don't leave the area, because at 8 P.M. you're evening will kick off with something special: Washington Ensemble Theatre's production of Iphigenia in Aulis, the gynocentric story of how Iphigenia was sacrificed by her father Agamemnon so that he could appease the goddess Artemis, thus filling his ships' sails with wind and leading his fleet to battle the Trojans.

WET continues to prove they are technically leagues ahead of other fringe theaters in Seattle. Did any one see last year's pants-tightening production of Crave? No? I bet you heard about it. Then go see Iphigenia in Aulis (It runs every weekend until June 11th). Directed by Lathrop Walker, WET's season closer is visceral and sensual dramatic high art; in a word, it's very Greek.

Well, that concludes your Saturday (or Sunday). Fun day, huh? If you remember the way to get home, good for you. Regardless, you should now make your way to Broadway and find a sexy stranger to share a hug with. Sharing is caring.

First off, the time has come for comprehensive light rail for the entire Puget Sound area. I should be able to get on the bus outside my house and get anywhere from Everett to Tacoma to Issaquah within 45 minutes for $1.50. Easier said than done, I know, but step one is saying it so now we can consider it said.

In the meantime, let it be known that the commute across the 520 bridge is Seattle's Cinderella drive -- plagued by nasty rumors and a terrible reputation but breathtaking once you get up inside it. My daily bus ride from downtown to Kirkland is a scenic symphony. I challenge you to compose nicer movements than this:

I know, you don't call it "The 5" but your family on the East Coast calls it "The 80!" Isn't that funny? No. Stop having that conversation.

Lake Union is that pretty little body of water that you constantly forget exists except in 3 scenarios: 1. You go to Gasworks Park; 2. You wonder if that little float plane is going to crash, and; 3. You drive past it on the 5. Bless you, little jewel, with your houseboats all in a row. Lake Union is beautiful on every side, from Eastlake to Wallingford to Dexter, and every morning I am gleefully reminded that there is a CEO in the world with the cajones to paint "Zymogenetics" on a series of smokestacks.

Wednesday May 16, 2007 by Allen Keene, Co-Editor

Local cyclists will assemble at Gas Works park this evening between the hours of six and seven before setting out, along with thousands of others across the country, on a Ride of Silence. The annual event has is roots in Dallas, where in 2003 Chris Phelan organized the first Ride of Silence in honor of his friend, Larry Schwartz, who while riding his bike was struck by the mirror of a passing vehicle and killed. Since then, bikers in every state and even abroad have organized there own rides. The Ride of Silence is both a commemoration to fallen cyclists and a reminder to drivers that they share the road.

For those interested in the Seattle Ride of Silence, please visit rideofsilence.org, or just trust us that people will be meeting at Gas Works Park round 6:15 PM, leaving at 7:00, and making a slow, silent, and deliberate twelve mile loop through downtown. We hope to see you there. If you don't have a bike, go rent one. Yeah, I'm serious. And I'm talking to you, buddy.