Cardboard Children Invade Seattle, Police Ready Squirt Guns

Tuesday May 15, 2007  by Salieri McBride, Contributor.

     Downtown Seattle was brought to a standstill last Thursday morning as cardboard cut-outs of school-age children reinvigorated fears of terrorist devices hidden in guerilla marketing materials. As of this publication's deadline, all bus stops, shopping centers, bridges and highway on-ramps were closed until further notice.  The cutouts were on public display for approximately four hours on Thursday, May 10th in the Downtown area.

     The perpetrators appear to be an organization known as Family Services, which claims to build emotionally healthy, self-sufficient families and a non-violent community in which they can thrive.  In a statement posted online regarding the campaign, Family Services said "On May 10, 2007 Family Services placed hundreds of life-size cutout images of children on the streets of downtown Seattle to communicate what homeless children in our community must face every day".

     Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff responded, "This marketing campaign has triggered a 'red alert' which results in the mandatory shut-down of the entire city.  We thank the citizens of Seattle for their cooperation."

     Added Chertoff, "We should have electricity restored in three to five weeks."

     Seattle Chief of Police R. Gil Kerlikowske said in a phone interview, "Well, it's not a blinking alien giving me the finger.  But the guilt trip makes me feel about the same."  Seattle Police have acted in concert with Homeland Security and conducted precautionary arrests of artists and homosexuals.  Those arrested are said to be eligible for interrogation and possible extradition.

     Police announced that they will also arrest any child who is seen holding a piece of cardboard or "standing relatively still."

     Homeless advocates have protested the lock-down, saying that the cut-outs pose no threat to the city.  Many have pledged a speedy grassroots and lobbying effort to scale back DHS activities.

     Chertoff retaliated by classifying several social service agencies "Alpha-Level Terrorist Organizations," including Family Services, the YMCA and YWCA, the Make-A-Wish Foundation and Take Back the Night.  "It was never their night to take back," said Chertoff, "It was always America's night."

     Attorney General Alberto Gonzales read from prepared remarks at a press conference this afternoon.  "My understanding of the information currently available is that these marketing materials are intended to communicate some sort of message or point, possibly involving children.  What is clearly not appreciated by those responsible is that America is a nation ruled by fear and our citizens are best served not by compassion, but by a near-schizophrenic vacillation between the soothing numbness of sit-coms and the unspeakable horror of contemplating one's own fiery death."

     "The United States Government will not distinguish between terrorists and whatever we believe to be terrorism-related."

     The staff of Family Services could not be reached aboard their express flight to Uzbekistan.

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Dead Deer Dressed for Dinner Discovered in Tacoma

Friday May 11, 2007  by Allen Keene, Co-Editor

     On Tuesday night a dead fawn was discovered by a police officer in front of Tacoma’s Pantages Theater.  This was most definitely not a case of a poor baby animal losing its way amid the sprawling city streets, as the fawn was dressed in an infant’s sleeper and a bib reading “You think I’m cute?  You should see my aunt.”  These comically sinister circumstances beg such questions as:

1) What kind of disgruntled niece or nephew would do such a thing?

2) Just how cute, indeed, is the dead fawn’s aunt?

3) And perhaps most importantly, why the Pantages Theater?

     While no amount of conjecture will remotely answer the first two questions listed above, it is my sincere belief that a fair amount of guesswork in regards to the third question will yield not only some startling insight, but a few good jokes as well.  Ok, so mostly just some jokes.

     Was a disgruntled actor or actress, maddened because they weren’t cast in the Pantages’ most recent production, The Queen of Bingo, responsible?  Was it an inside job, carefully carried out ahead of time to promote Pantages secret next production, Bambi, the Musical, directed by Kirk Cameron?  Or was it, in fact, the work of a cult dedicated to the worship of Pan?  For those of you not in the know, Pan is the Greek God of shepherds and flocks, (whose Roman counterpart is Faunus!!!).

     We’re fairly sure that this last hypothesis actually holds water, as oddly enough it seems the most plausible.  At least we want it to be, because that’s pretty funny in a sick, totally fucked-up kind of way.

     Anyhow, the Seattle Kite offers its condolences to the good folks down at Pantages Theater, and urges them to make lemons into lemonade, or in this case, dead baby dear into delicious venison sausage.

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NBA Season Review

Thursday May 10, 2007  by Jimmy Sparerib, Contributor

     Please watch this video closely, dear readers, and ask yourselves: What exactly is in the photo on the Steve Nash folder at around the 2:08 mark? Paul Brogan -- if that is your real name -- please report to the principal's office immediately.

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Seattle's Troubled Yoof

Wednesday May 9, 2007  by Albertine Oh, Contributor

     Last week I was wandering about Capitol Hill, because wandering about is what mysterious, intellectual observers do when they're holding manual cameras and wearing black coats, and I ran across a smattering of people who suddenly seemed to represent different problems with Seattle, the west coast, and our generation in general. Of course, this assumes you and I are part of the same generation, so if you happen to be forty-seven and unfamiliar with these types, give 'er the old “damn kids” curse and leave it at that. Whether you're aware of it or not – and quite likely, you are – these people live among you, and depending on how you spend your free time, may actually represent you, in which case you are owed a mirror and a shed tear.

     Earlier in the week, at the Starbucks on Broadway, I'm halfway to nauseous, sitting down with my green tea and crisped rice treat, when I overhear a debate between two baristas – one male, the other female. Female barista informs male barista that she's a socialist because our capitalist society leaves ample room for poverty and ruins small business. Never mind that she's a barista at fucking Starbucks, for chrissake; it turns out that she's also a college junior, taking a class on political economy. When male barista says that he sympathizes with social liberals but asks “why?” in response to her economic reasoning, her experience in said class qualifies her to accuse male barista of being a Republican. Male barista says, “What the fuck? I'm not a Republican!” and his voice gets a bit higher thereafter. I suddenly feel strangely guilty for being politically aligned with female barista, but then I realize that Starbucks is endorsed by buyblue.org and makes damn fine crisped rice treats, so I let out a “meh” and contemplate a visit to the Gap once I'm finished.

     This very same day, I'm stopped at a single crosswalk, the intersection of Broadway and Pine, when a man with a broken nose crosses the path of a man with a broken leg. Later this week, I would see three people use canes in a single day, as well as one more broken leg and one obvious nose job (though the bandage on the latter technically makes “nose job” count as “broken nose,” does it not?). Actually, there's not much to say here, other than the fact that people in Seattle need to drink a bit of milk here and there.

     Oh, but here's one you've surely seen around! Walking up Pike later in the week is a guy who looks to be in the 21-25 range; on a relatively overcast day he's wearing a sweater over a collared shirt, iPod headphones in the ears and messenger bag on his shoulder. Immediately, I think, my god, it's the epitome of the Seattle man. But then I think back to the San Francisco man, who looks exactly like the Seattle man, save for the sweater. Every major city needs an identifying look, and for Seattle and San Francisco to have virtually the same look poses a problem, as no one will think to come to a city that's not immediately recognizable (work with me on this, please). But then, Seattle's got the navy blue hoodie, the staple of emo before it went national, and when you realize that this is the look of high school Seattle and that sweater-over-collar is the look of Seattle's college graduate, you could almost say that Seattle Man becomes San Francisco Man with a few years of maturation. Ergo, take away a few diplomas and you've got a population in hoodies, granting Seattle a clear identity.

     Hell, take away higher education and we've no longer got socialists running Starbucks, either. By mentioning all these types I call “troubled,” I don't mean to say that eliminating higher education's the solution to creating a population without stereotypes, though now that it's posed that way, perhaps it is. Heaven knows Seattle's easy to typecast, and it may be no coincidence that Seattle's one of the country's most educated and literate cities. But if it's higher education that's grooming Seattle 20-somethings into political hypocrites, walking iPod commercials, and lovers over fighters (because really, a true fighter could avoid a broken nose),  gimme a dropout from Ohio any day. You'd never spot one of those calling himself an “intellectual” in a black coat and toting a camera around in the rain, anyway.

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The Seattle Kite Declares May 8th "National Jalapeno

Cream Corn Day"

Tuesday May 8, 2007 

Invented by Cody Burwell of the Waterfront Seafood Grill.

Marginal improvements and less snooty explanation by Salieri McBride.

Jalapeno Cream Corn

[  Serves 4  ]

- 2 tsp unsalted butter

- 2 tsp chopped garlic

- 2 jalapenos

- 2 cups heavy cream (often called heavy whipping cream)

- 1/2 cup shredded parmesan

- 2 cups fresh corn off the cob

- salt and pepper

- paprika

- flour

     Make the garnish first: slice 1 jalapeno into wheels.  Coat the wheels in flour.  Fry the flour-coated wheels in a pan of olive oil until crispy.

     Heat pan to medium-high.  Add butter, garlic, and 1 chopped jalapeno, in that order.  Saute briefly.  Add cream and stir constantly until you see large bubbles and the cream thickens (scrape the pan as you stir - it burns to the surface easily).  Add parmesan, stirring constantly until cheese is melted.  Add fresh corn kernels.  Season with salt, pepper, and paprika to taste.  Stir until kernels are heated all the way through.

     Float jalapeno wheels on top of the creamed corn when you serve.

Enjoy.

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