Saturday April 14, 2007  by Allen Keene, Co-Editor

     All of the events described in the following story are true.  They happened.  If you don't believe me, google them and know that I am not lying.  The only fiction is in the perspective of our narrator, Kenneth Blaine Quinlan, who is a very real person with very real problems.  No one can say for sure what Quinlan was thinking through the whole ordeal.  Regardless, the facts remain the same.

     "My name is Kenneth Blaine Quinlan.  I am a 35 year-old recovering heroin addict living in Seattle.  A few weeks ago (it was Friday, March 23rd, to be exact) my girlfriend and I drove up to Everett to run some errands.  I met up with her after going to the clinic and getting my usual dose of methadone, which the state prescribes me since I am a recovering addict.  The methadone made me feel a little better and ready to start my day. 

     "When I picked up my girlfriend she had Mr. Peepers with her.  Mr. Peepers is her pet duck.  He's pretty nice, I guess.  If you like ducks.

     "The three of us headed over to the Lynnwood Petco to get some stuff for Mr. Peepers, but I didn't really feel like going inside since it smells like a rough mixture of wood shavings and polyurethane and I knew it would wreck my buzz.  So I wandered into Linens 'n Things.  I've been pretty sick of by bed sheets because they're so scratchy, but I can never seem to bring myself to buy a new set.  I thought that maybe today would be the day.  I was looking at a really nice set with a 900 thread count, which I hear is good, when I decided once again that I just couldn't justify the purchase.  I'd rather save it for something really useful.  This kind of upset me, though, because it made me think of how bad I am with money.  So then I decided to steal some stuff to make myself feel better.
 

Read on »

Friday April 13, 2007  by Naoki Inoue, Music Reviewer

     Though I’m not usually one for popular manifesto, the occasional didactic tirade can be refreshing. Over some crunchy bumps courtesy of Dan “The Bag” Le Sac, Mr. Scroobis spouts the straight outta’ Romans 13:9 shite. Simultaneously silly, political, and socially thoughtful, “Thou Shalt Always Kill” comes out somewhere between “Losing My Edge,” and a significantly less lame “Everyone’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen).”

Gems include: 

     "Thou shalt not read NME." 

     "When I say 'Hey,' thou shalt not say 'Ho.' 

     "Thou shalt not attend an open mics and leave as soon as you’ve

      done your shitty little poem or song, you self-righteous prick."

give feedback  + back to top

Thursday April 12, 2007 by Albertine Oh, Contributor 

     Once a year, a homeless count is conducted in King County to determine just how many people in the Seattle region are, you know, homeless. The count is taken by the

Seattle/King County Coalition for the Homeless

Operation Nightwatch

Committee to End Homelessness in King County

King County Housing and Community Development

(proof that, yes, there are people keeping an eye out on Seattle and, yes, the world does benefit from acronyms). This year, the One Night Count was taken during the wee hours of January 26, after which point 2,159 people were found living without shelter or housing in King County.

     The complete 2007 report has yet to be posted at www.homelessinfo.org, as it will be later this spring, but according to the site's 2006 One Night Count report, 1,946 unsheltered people were counted in addition to the 2,463 people staying at emergency shelters and 3,501 in transitional housing programs. With nearly 8,000 qualifying as “homeless” last year and the completely unsheltered number having increased in 2007, it's safe to say that the problem hasn't begun to cut itself down.

     Now, compared to the statistics for other urban locations – say, Los Angeles, where the total homeless count was estimated at more than 80,000 last year – King County's ratio of homeless to housed residents is pretty small given its overall population. Comparing each city's January 2006 count, the percentage of each city's population was 0.1% homeless (Seattle) versus 0.8% homeless (Los Angeles). 8,000 people? Not bad!

     Still, King County's a terrifying place to be without shelter, given the rain, wind, cold air, and other punishments thrown from the finger of God, so I'd like to offer some solutions that'll make homeless living a jolly time for those forced into it:

1. Use the internet at any public library, sift through Craigslist, and find a co-op to live in. It's the epitome of bohemian living – everyone in the Pacific Northwest digs bohemian living – and will allow you to maintain an address and thus apply for a job. Plus, you might get off rent-free if you're decent at plowing the fields.

2. Bring back squatting. Whatever happened to squatting? It'll give you punk cred, plus some greedy landlord will be paying for your running water, not you. Living in an abandoned house would not only be free but a way of sticking it to the man. Hey!

3. Were Abbie Hoffman still alive, he'd suggest embracing your freedom by hitching a ride to Manhattan and taking advantage of the free tea and cookies at the Tea Center on 16 East 56^th Street, 10am and 2pm daily. This plan works well if it's 1968.

give feedback  + back to top

_________________

Wednesday April 11, 2007 by Salieri McBride, Music Reviewer

     Where is rock supposed to live in this crazy new interweb?  Do you really have to listen to a bunch of beeping sounds just because you're younger than 40?  All you really want is an acoustic guitar to heal your weary spirit.  A little bit of poetry that you can sing along to.  Is that so wrong? 

     No.  Try as they might, the demon seducers of the information torrent can never destroy the troubadour.  M. Ward is proudly carrying the torch and the first thing you should do to thank him is go get Post-War post-haste. 

     M. Ward's Post-War is a cozy new home for all you soul travelers who have felt a little out in the cold ever since you finished memorizing Neutral Milk Hotel.  The first time you listen to this album (yes, I said album, quit downloading remixes and listen to the same friggin' artist for 39 minutes in a row) your eyes will widen with the realization that you have fallen in love again.  The second time you listen to it you will learn almost all of the lyrics.  The third time you listen to it you will start looking up chord progressions so that you can sing the songs quietly to yourself.   Ward achieves that precarious balance that all singer-songwriters strive for: an intensely personal record without a trace of exhibitionism.  He scours the trenches of his mind not because he thinks that he is deeper than you, but because it is the right thing to do.   

     Requiem, his tribute to a deceased friend, is a rollicking anthem  in the best 1-4-5 tradition.  It doesn't make me think of a funeral but of a drunken Scottish wake.  He is not lamenting his friend's death, he is celebrating the life he lived, fully confident that yes the jukebox in Heaven has AC / DC.  "He was a good man and now he's gone," goes the chorus.  "His heart was stronger than a heavy metal bullet."

     Rollercoaster is so damned catchy and so damned lovable and makes you think about surfing so much that Jack Johnson should just surrender.  This song could be about your lover, or it could be about your 4-year-old kid.  It's about the person you love that drives you nuts (that is, all of them).  Click the link before I punch you in the face.

     Finally, Chinese Translation, the song they push as the single, is a little more melancholy and fable-tastic.  It's the story of a young man who sails the wild, wild sea, climbs up a tall, tall mountain, and finds an old, old man sitting beneath a willow tree.  This track fully embraces Ward's heritage as a bard and storyteller.  Like all great philosophy, its secrets are revealed through a narrative: life is a great cycle, we all want answers, seek and you shall find but you might not find what you sought.  But, see, Ward doesn't say any of that.  He just tells a wonderful little story.  You fill in around it.  The CD comes enhanced with an animated music video of this one song.

Post-War is just as good as I say it is, or else I wouldn't say it.  Are you questioning my credibility?

LISTEN TO:  REQUIEM  -  ROLLERCOASTER  -  CHINESE TRANSLATION

give feedback  + back to top

_________________

Tuesday April 10, 2007 by Allen Keene, Co-Editor

     The name Jason Wahler should mean nothing to you.  If it does, stop reading.  Stop it.  If you know the name Jason Wahler, then you are familiar with the show "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County," or perhaps "The Hills."  Simply being familiar with this show is forgivable.  By flipping channels we become familiar with a lot of utter crap, and we're all guilty of it.  However, the moment you attached the name Jason Wahler to "reality" television was the moment... wait a minute.  I can't judge you... I have attached the name Jason Wahler to "reality" television!

     Okay, let's just pretend that we read the same news.  That's where I learned that there is a guy named Jason Wahler of "Laguna Beach" fame.  Honest.

     But back to the news. Jason Wahler, 20, was arrested early Sunday morning at Seattle's Waterfront Marriott Hotel.  Apparently, he was noticeably intoxicated and engaged in an argument in the lobby.  A third party then tried to break up said argument before a security guard requested that Wahler and company leave the premises.  Not long after, though, Wahler snuck back into the hotel unobserved and passed out in a third floor hallway.  Soon after, a booze-stinking Wahler was discovered and promptly reported to Seattle police, who shortly arrived on the scene.

     A prominent and reputable Seattle news source stated that Wahler spouted derogatory racial remarks at one of the officers.  This news source also made a point of saying that the officer was not black, as though derogatory racial remarks only apply to those who are.

     This was Wahler's third arrest since September, the first being in California, the second in North Carolina.  So here's to Wahler for the hat-trick.  Cheers.

give feedback  + back to top

_________________

Saturday April 7, 2007  by Allen Keene, Co-Editor

     A man with an outstanding warrant for second degree assault led two bicycle bound officers on a chase through Pike Place Market Friday morning.  The man, who was in his thirties, was stopped by the officers for the always vague "suspicious activity."  When the officers discovered that the man had a warrant for his arrest and attempted to detain him, the suspect fled the scene by running through the market and down Post Alley.  A police chase through the market, undoubtedly packed with tourists on the warmest day of the year, huh?  Man, I wish I'd seen that.

     I really wish I'd been there to see the man climb up some scaffolding and then jump forty feet to Western Avenue, breaking both his ankles.  Call me insensitive, but that's hilarious.   Serves you right, you second degree assaulting bastard. 

     The man was taken to Harborview Medical Center where he'll await arraignment.  There's nothing quite like going straight from the hospital to a jail cell.

give feedback  + back to top

_________________

Friday April 6, 2007  by H.K. Ignatius, Contributor

     A couple of months ago, it snowed in Tampa.  Conservatives trotted out their happy faces and re-proclaimed global warming a hoax.  "If it is so dang warm," the argument went, "then why is it snowing in Tampa?"

     "Liberals!"

     The unfortunate answer is simpler than many would like to believe.  Here's a short and hopefully easy to understand primer on why snow in Florida proves, not disproves, the existence of global warming.

     The net effect of global warming is widespread climate change and new extremes in weather that go along with it.  You see, global warming changes everything on Earth.  All of the world's weather is profoundly affected.  Wind patterns, ocean temperatures, melt-offs in the mountains - everything.  What we see on a day-to-day basis is not an otherwise normal world where it's just sort of a little bit warmer all the time; what we see is more extreme weather, more of the time.  Because the entire system is altered.  The climate has changed.

     Some people think that "climate change" is not different than "global warming," and that it's two terms for the same thing.  No.  Global warming - caused by human activity - alters the entire planet, resulting in a changed climate.  When the climate has changed, weird stuff like snow in Tampa becomes more commonplace.

     I think that's pretty easy to wrap your mind around.

give feedback  + back to top

_________________

Thursday April 5, 2007  by Jimmy Sparerib, Contributor

    It's Panic (!) at the Disco.  I don't know if they're bringing their wispy friend, but the guy who looks like Eddie Izzard is sure to be there. 

     Bumbershoot released its partial lineup yesterday, and it looks like this is the year to take that camping trip to the Olympic Peninsula you've been putting off the past few years...unless you've drunk The Shins' kool-aid.  (You too, huh?)

     OK, so there is Wu-Tang Clan (who I hear are ones with whom one should dare not trifle).  And The Avett Bros., an underrated alt-country trio.  But this looks nothing like the Deerhoof/Of Montreal/A Tribe Called Quest days of yore.  Take my advice, Seattle: go white-water rafting or something.

give feedback  + back to top

_________________

Wednesday April 4, 2007  by Allen Keene, Co-editor

     The two sixth grade girls from Sakai Intermediate School on Bainbridge Island who poisoned their teacher last week have been charged with third degree felony assault.  For those of you with their heads in a fucking hole, the twelve-year-old offenders smeared strawberry lip gloss around the rims of their teacher’s coffee mug and water glass.  Their teacher, who has a well known allergy to strawberries, suffered a mild reaction which she countered with Benadryl before clocking out early.

     Concluding paragraph, version 1:

     The Seattle Kite would like to thank the tenacious teeny-boppers for seriously upping the girl power ante by discovering that strawberry lip gloss can be used for felonious assault.  Just imagine what they can do with a toothbrush and the core of a toilet paper roll!  Were it not for their uncompromising sense of justice, the Power Puff Girls would be proud.

     Concluding paragraph, version 2:

     The Seattle Kite would like to wish the preteen masterminds all the best in their cloudy criminal futures, which they pretty much have no hope of escaping after being charged with third degree felony assault before their moms could even take them shopping for a training bra.  If they’re lucky, maybe Big Sue over in cell block D will show them how to use an applicator when the time comes.  Girl Power!

give feedback  + back to top

_________________

Repeal the Voting Rights Act!      (Not really.)
Tuesday April 3, 2007  by Jimmy Sparerib, Correspondent